I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
