Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
