I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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