Already got asked if we're dating
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
