Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
