Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
