if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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