he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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