i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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