She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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