my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
