I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
