i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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