Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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