I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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