you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
