Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
