i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
