So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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