apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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