I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
nutella sex= disaster
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
