Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
