I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
