I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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