The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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