I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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