I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
