she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
