my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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