Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The adults are the big ones right?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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