mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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