Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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