I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
