spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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