i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
