I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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