You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
