idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
