While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
