just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
