i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
