We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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