WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
where are you?
Hypothermia
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
