i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
