i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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