Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
