So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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