we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
