a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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