I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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