I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
