I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
