Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize