the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
