You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
