How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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